tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134274862011-04-21T22:43:36.759-05:00Diary of a Mad White Woman.Hollynoreply@blogger.comBlogger4541100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-25670320875665858922008-10-08T05:12:00.001-05:002008-10-08T05:13:52.319-05:00

i promise. still fighting battles here and in my head. i will never regret the decisions i've made because despite it all i'm proud of who i am. flawed as ever.

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-76268934478562507672008-05-08T07:07:00.002-05:002008-05-08T07:16:06.082-05:00

Well, it sucks, but I'm doing the 5 day pouch test. As best I can. I know I'm in ketosis (i tested). Weight loss due to gastric bypass surgery has a large amount to do with being in ketosis. Extremely low carbohydrates and high protein has that effect. I wasn't able to go 100% fluids, i ended up pretty hungry and snacked on some sliced ham and cheese. i HATE cottage cheese with a passion so I

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-7378118921000573732008-04-22T08:27:00.002-05:002008-04-22T08:42:56.123-05:00

To take up the yoke of my health. Weight gain and inactivity as a side effect of profound anemia and surgery to help with the anemia (endometrial ablation) are kicking me in the ass.The ablation didn't work, so i'm facing a hysterectomy. This bites. More surgery, more drugs, more recovery. BAH. I am so over surgeries.For almost a year I've been on Lithium for my bipolar disorder. I take a few

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-69647754269245422512008-03-04T06:55:00.003-06:002008-03-04T07:30:07.346-06:00

I haven't had my coffee so my brain isn't firing on all cylinders yet. It is coming along though, I can smell the coffee brewing.I'm having gritty eggs. Something my family hates but is pretty high on my list. A scrambled egg mixed with a packet of instant grits. you get that little carb kickup but the eggs sustain.I just wrapped up yet another health crisis and subsequent surgery. I'm recovering

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-25424714467375774142007-09-12T08:07:00.000-05:002008-12-09T22:12:43.731-06:00

I've become physically pretty run down. i hit the ground running and don't seem to sit down except to read my email and fall unconscious at bedtime. my daily list of stuff seems impossible long and sometimes i come home only to find mail, chores, etc. i forgot or was unaware of and have to leave again. thankfully here in huntsville you can get from one far end of town to the other in a pretty

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-79792272802708224192007-09-10T10:00:00.000-05:002007-09-10T10:35:47.783-05:00

I went this weekend to a religious gathering, "church" i suppose. I went voluntarily and completely without anxiety (except for... what will i wear?) and fear. I have researched the unitarian/universalist concept beginning with my American Literature course a few years ago. I was amused to discover that many of the founding fathers were not right wing liberal republicans as many would have us to

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-88036279194328603972007-08-23T19:55:00.000-05:002007-08-23T20:15:50.475-05:00

posting has been sporadic. i am hoping to get back to regular blogging soon. live just overrides blogging sometimes... whether things are good or bad.i am a different person than yesterday, last week, last month, last year. each second we live not only holds the potential but creates change in you. like falling off of a horse.. you're going to hit the ground but it hurts less if you relax and

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-666021706137101812007-07-27T11:20:00.000-05:002007-07-27T12:00:44.306-05:00

Working on recovery.it seems my brain is a very tangled thing. you tease out one strand, straightening it, coming close to the end only to find a new kink. a new twist, a new knot.it is rather tiring. i see a psychiatrist and psychologist religiously. in some areas of my life there are great improvements. which leaves other areas to work on. i'm not quite sure how i became this tangled. some

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-82771372463563484932007-06-22T08:13:00.000-05:002007-06-22T09:35:19.684-05:00

Well, it seems the Lithium continues to work. I still have to take the rest of my meds, and I'm not totally where I want to be, but I am decidedly better.I am still easily overwhelmed and emotional. Fortunately I'm no longer on the painful rollercoaster that I was on for so long. The results of the panniculectomy are much better. I felt much like a frankenstein for while. My bellybutton was

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-21783242289165683992007-05-21T14:15:00.001-05:002007-05-21T14:57:06.802-05:00

I've started taking Lithium. I'm more clear headed and aware of myself and everything around me than I have been in a very long time. I am grateful but sad. The things I've done these past months are embarrassing and frustrating. I made a fool of myself. I have an excellent excuse, but I hate excuses. I am thankful that my husband is a good and forgiving person. He has forgiven things I have done

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-7414097009900705892007-05-02T08:07:00.000-05:002007-05-02T08:31:28.848-05:00

I'm on a new anti-crazy cocktail900mg lithium6mg klonopin50mg remeron400 mg lamictal60 mg adderallyay (sarcasm)if it works, i will be thankful. it if does not, then i will try another, and another, until something does.i did fine yesterday until a stressful even triggered a bout of rage which ended in me beating and empty laundry basket against the wall and screaming in rage.fun times, hmm?so i

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-27959386288926663062007-05-02T07:57:00.000-05:002007-05-02T08:06:22.787-05:00

My mind, thought mine, is not my own.It does not obey my commands.rather, words that were mine, wielded as weapon, softened in comfort, are somewhere beyond my reach.they are there, but not. my mind is here, but not.for it is not my own.and I sit powerless.one day, my mind will be mine again. one day. maybe not tomorrow.maybe not the next.maybe not the one after that.but one day.those sharp words

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-32989408774736547012007-04-29T06:45:00.001-05:002007-04-29T07:04:20.883-05:00

the words in my head are flying about. snatches of this and that and turns of phrase. i can't hold on tight, to put them in order, capture them. they have wings, they get caught upon the wind, i grab for them, snatching blindly at unseen objects. tiny torn pieces land and settle and greedily i paste them together but it is nothing like what the truth was. is. it is but a sad reflection.through

Hollynoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-29605407677436851972007-04-13T08:39:00.000-05:002007-04-13T09:43:49.921-05:00

Yeah, well, I'm a bit dramatic like that.My doctor changed around my medications some this last check-in because my moods still were not stable (and still aren't) he said he wanted to go the next step, lithium. The problem with lithium is weight gain. He said that obviously I had issues with weight considering I gained on remeron (a common side effect of the drug) and i had gastric bypass surgery

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-56656831781450284582007-04-09T11:30:00.000-05:002007-04-09T11:44:22.410-05:00

I am having a "post gastrectomy abdominoplasty" mid-May at UAB in Birmingham. My physician is an expert in reconstruction after gastric bypass surgery. Although I have gained weight I have reached a place where my weight is stable, although higher than I'd like. I'm improving my nutrition 1) because it will hopefully help me feel better and 2) I want the surgery to go well, with few or no

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-54444827419601412772007-04-09T07:31:00.000-05:002007-04-09T09:39:09.005-05:00

I took a shower last night. Let me assure you that is an improvement. I couldn't remember the last one, literally. I had been swinging back and forth between manic obsessiveness and tunnel vision to the exclusion of everything but THE project (whatever project I was involved with at that particular second) or the profoundly and stunningly tired, bone aching tired, weary tired of depression.

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-6979516128894897942007-04-01T22:20:00.000-05:002007-04-01T23:40:05.508-05:00

That much I can assure you of. The rest, well, is sort of up in the air.I've written a long post about it all, but I decided not to post it. I'll leave it simply as this. At one point in my life I thought my biggest problem was that I was fat. While that was a big problem, being thinner hasn't made my life wonderful. Easier in the sense that I can wear clothes from regular stores (juniors low

Hollynoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-53920943485392840662007-02-28T18:11:00.000-06:002007-02-28T18:44:23.931-06:00

i honestly can't say i have made any progress in eating/not eating using my tool, or any sort of weight loss action. I can honestly say I have eaten quite a number and variety of girl scout cookies and I haven't stepped on a scale in over a week.the truth is, right now, i am overwhelmed. I was describing to a friend the way things go in my head and thought I would bring it here and lay it out and

Hollynoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-2017507537441657942007-02-18T09:40:00.001-06:002007-02-18T12:01:32.946-06:00

Last night the boys watched Zoe and her best friend so that Sean and I could go out to eat and then we went to the movies with 2 other couples. There are definite benefits in spacing your children a good number of years apart. Having 2 in diapers isn't fun. Having one old enough to change a diaper is awesome. Some say that siblings that are closer in age are "closer". In my experience, this isn't

Hollynoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-49695871607198484992007-02-07T08:19:00.000-06:002007-02-07T09:32:45.338-06:00

Honestly, my blog posts lately have been pretty lame. ramblings about fish, updates on my broken toed son (who actually dressed out and sat the bench at his basketball game last night and hobbled on during half time (is it called half time in basketball?) and shot hoops.The truth of the matter is my eating is out of control and I now weigh 203 (as of yesterday morning with clothes on. Probably

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-38081092260771126932007-02-05T20:32:00.000-06:002007-02-05T20:54:56.872-06:00

My boys went on a ski trip this weekend with their church youth group. They had a great time and no ski injuries. However, on his way back to his room from playing in the gameroom truett stepped in a hole and broke 3 of his toes (metatarsals) I didn't know until he got home yesterday and was practically dragging it behind him when he walked. His injury was 24+ hour old at that point. The youth

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-63782541451515463022007-01-31T17:26:00.000-06:002007-01-31T20:13:53.574-06:00

I took my son to the gym. My husband has been taking him to help him lose weight and battle his rising cholesterol and blood pressure issues. Its genetic (all of his grandparents on both sides and his father have high cholesterol and blood pressure) its environmental (takes in too much and exerts too little). Its hard to see my own child going through problems I remember all to well growing up.

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-41328589352530742982007-01-28T14:44:00.000-06:002007-01-28T16:22:50.805-06:00

I have a new 10 gallon setup. With 3 female guppies and a male, as well as a kuhli loach, several mystery snails, and several ghost shrimp. (the snails and shrimp are from the existing 5 gallon I had, along with most of the decorations, gravel, etc. I did a quickie cycle. Basically siphoned all of the water from the old tank into the new, moved the old decorations and plants into the new, and

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-79026472113521617832007-01-25T20:34:00.000-06:002008-12-09T22:12:45.280-06:00

Hollynoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-62058015850089341442007-01-23T06:28:00.000-06:002007-01-23T06:31:21.207-06:00

I forgot about the pouch rules. we all do. as i ranted and raved and moaned "poor me!" I realized this morning that I haven't really, truly been following the pouch rules. I've been doing my own thing, much as we all tend to slide into. we start with the eating/drinking at the same time. forget about water loading, forget all the things that make our pouches work. The things that helped us lose

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-84603492864093172612007-01-21T14:02:00.000-06:002007-01-22T08:23:33.439-06:00

argh. i don't know if it is the true side effect of this antidepressant, or the fact that i read it and my subconscious took it as a cue to EAT YOUR HEART OUT, WE HAVE A FUCKING EXCUSE NOW!either way, its no good. I am contemplating as before joining weight watchers. its not a bad idea on several fronts. one would be accountability. someone else seeing my scale go up and down and discussing

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-63366810137643533172007-01-18T21:13:00.000-06:002007-01-18T21:28:17.961-06:00

Today I learned that completely automated hospital labs are boring beyond belief. I also discovered I am fascinated by microbiology and the "art" of phlebotomy. I was told to apply for a phlebotomy position and they'd go ahead and hire me now but I'm not sure about the whole work/school/life juggling thing. The money would be nice but being sane is pretty nice as well. Took meds a little early

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-15798209167137508072007-01-17T11:10:00.000-06:002007-01-17T12:42:25.049-06:00

I got Zoe off to preschool an hour late. But because of that extra hour I swiffered the floor, did a load of laundry, picked up the boy's area, steam cleaned some stains on the carpet, made some phone calls, picked up my garden, and gave her a good scrub down and shampoo. The new antidepressant (remeron) and the increase in adderall seems to be working well. I don't feel unbearably lonely, sad,

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-42980857132437602652007-01-15T20:25:00.000-06:002007-01-16T09:05:43.359-06:00

After the months, weeks, days, and hours of preparation the ball came and went rather uneventfully. I learned alot. Things like no one will notice if i have a manicure or pedicureno one will notice if i shavedno one will care about either of the above if they did noticeplenty of people will notice my cleavagemen will gaze as if they are deer caught in a hunter's spotlight and only turn away when

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-57886682003006319842007-01-11T00:30:00.000-06:002007-01-11T00:39:42.104-06:00

talked to therapist about the friendship bonfire. she says this is a good thing. i am unable to establish (and stick to) healthy limits in relationships. I am all or nothing. Recurring theme in many parts of my life. she says this is a good project for another day. i'm skipping next week due to too many demands on my time but I will see her week after. ti think i will make progress with her. she

Hollynoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-76892741548834514452007-01-07T08:38:00.000-06:002007-01-07T10:06:18.630-06:00

I finally got my shit together and went over to see Friend. Took all 3 kids and we had a really great time. Zoe gets along fabulously with their 5 year old daughter and so she had a wonderful time playing dressup, play dough, and paper dolls. Their daughter is a quiet, thoughtful girl, much like Zoe. They were so good that it was a relief to just let them play and not have to worry about disaster

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-68034727379096811222007-01-06T17:15:00.000-06:002007-01-06T17:41:28.007-06:00

lots of mood swings today. lonely. contented. just plain tired. just plain weary. energy spurt where i cleaned. currently unable to motivate enough to go see a friend that has invited me over. i need a shower and clothing on. and something for this godawful headache i've had for the last several days. important to leave the house and see friends. important to leave the house period.kids start

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-49326038193311430712007-01-06T09:36:00.000-06:002007-01-06T09:38:51.749-06:00

stat·u·esque (stăch'ū-ĕsk') adj.Suggestive of a statue, as in proportion, grace, or dignity; stately.This has been used to describe me by others lately. Several from my mother's church after Christmas called her to tell her that they didn't realize who I was until they realized that yes, that is holly, sitting on the pew between her children and husband. They described me as slim and statuesque.

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-3772792492100443472007-01-05T22:49:00.000-06:002007-01-05T22:57:52.364-06:00

sometimes the feelings of loneliness in my life are just overwhelming. Add to that the feeling that I have lost the friend I had made, and the fact that my car window was bashed in and my purse, ipod, and significant cash was stolen from my vehicle while watching my son play basketball, well... that just doesn't help.I fight feelings of isolation nearly every day of my life. If I wake up and get

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-74691109204815870922007-01-01T23:17:00.000-06:002007-01-01T23:43:47.838-06:00

We spent New Year's Eve watching our friends have a fight and Carlos Mencia. Somewhat surreal. The carlos was funny. the fight was not. Spent alot of time (and money) today preparing for the upcoming ball. I can't wear a bra and fit into my dress. the dress holds the breastage in place, but with any sort of bra the bastard won't zip. I'm thinking duct tape or more likely body tape (special tape

Hollynoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-86434673572402517282007-01-01T22:49:00.000-06:002007-01-01T23:16:56.197-06:00

An interesting personality test snagged from Teena. Complete with my personal dialogue on the results. Fascinating to me. You may just want to scroll on through.The Big Five Personality ProjectHere is a link to the more extensive results page, but this is it in a nutshell.Extraversion:Your average score on extraversion was 3.8, which is considered average, indicating you are neither a subdued

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-85774522467212729352006-12-29T08:13:00.000-06:002006-12-29T19:21:44.721-06:00

I've been really negligent in my updating. There are a variety of reasons, some of which I'll blog about today.Finishing up school this semester was stressful. I got a B in my Bio Class (yay me!) but took an incomplete in Calculus. My instructor was awesome and actually the one that suggested it. She said come in this semester, go to classes again, retake tests and notes, and give it another shot

Hollynoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-33267916268153765362006-12-18T02:14:00.000-06:002006-12-18T02:21:14.205-06:00

I have a set of new glasses. Super Spiffy. Purple Rims. Semi-Retro. Transitions (turn into sunglasses and back to normal vision depending on ambient light levels) and anti glare. Mainly because my vision sucks and I have lazy pupils that don't respond fast enough to light (whyfor the sunglasses part) and don't focus well enough at night hence the glare part. I have to say the transitions part is

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-52973744018359557262006-12-18T00:09:00.000-06:002006-12-18T01:11:02.689-06:00

Every holiday, or vacation, requires a deep and thorough cleaning of my house. I grew up with this being so, and I have carried it into adulthood. Lists of things to be cleaned are made and distributed. There is a cleaning countdown to the last seconds before leaving the house (must start dishwasher! all trash in the bins!)It is a little (alot) neurotic but it is SO NICE to come home to a sparkly

Hollynoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-91646538290397739182006-12-06T07:22:00.000-06:002006-12-06T07:54:34.978-06:00

Well the wounds from my pavement encounter had decided they would rather not heal. At least the 2 on my hand. I had not been able to keep band-aids on them because of the strange positioning of them, so i couldn't keep antibiotic ointment on them. When I went grocery shopping last night I found interesting looking bandages with waterproof sealing around the outside edge. brilliant. now I am

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-70487375295118884022006-12-05T07:02:00.000-06:002006-12-05T08:21:29.939-06:00

I stayed up late looking at panniculectomies and breast reduction before and after pictures. some looked fabulous. some I could only cringe. I would run look in the mirror and run back in here when I saw bodies that looked like mine pre to try and get a mental image of what my body will look like. i'm thinking it is going to be a rather extreme shock to be on the table and go to sleep with boobs

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-31530864947178593592006-12-03T08:17:00.001-06:002008-12-09T22:12:46.620-06:00

So, what did I see this morning while drinking coffee and ebaying? Mr. Coyote. I've seen several here on post. There are rare and endangered animals and plants documented out here that don't exist anywhere else in the state of alabama. There are also constant archeological digs because some of the oldest native american artifacts have been found out here. its living in the suburbs on the edge of

Hollynoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-29676749875540680512006-11-30T22:04:00.000-06:002006-11-30T22:29:31.749-06:00

yeah, alright, you already know who won.one of the medications that I take for anxiety makes me lose my balance on occasion. curbs, steps I don't see, the edges of counters, doors, and walls are all common places that I bump against. (no i don't look like a drunken sailor, really...) well, leaving my friends house on the other side of the circle i step off the curb and onto my hands and knees. I

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-41775360765321205912006-11-23T12:08:00.000-06:002006-11-23T12:28:01.428-06:00

New haircut. The top is a dark violet, the back and the highlights shot all through it are a matching pinkish champagne color. Love it. Oh yeah, new glasses too. Didn't realize until the next day that they matched my hair. I thought that was pretty amusingAt almost 2 years out I'm still losing. I stalled out for several months mainly due to too much caloric intake. Just plain damn eating too

Hollynoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-9445357431120135202006-10-30T06:13:00.000-06:002006-10-30T06:14:47.045-06:00

Hollynoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-81965917615894608352006-10-24T14:09:00.001-05:002006-10-24T14:10:44.201-05:00

I'm 190 pounds, and I'm wearing a pair of size 12 polo jeans.I'm Rick James, bitch. King Kong ain't got shit on me.(courtesy of Dave Chappelle)

Hollynoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-39760152956409451052006-10-16T08:00:00.000-05:002006-10-16T08:04:07.199-05:00

another pound down.had a busy weekend. Zoe's got another sinus infection and had trouble sleeping this weekend., 2 kid's birthday parties, and a marathon shopping session with one of the moms for her kid's birthday party.today i'm supposed to go to class but zoe's feeling bad. Sometimes this whole thing is just hard.

Hollynoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-64638004883557236802006-10-14T11:13:00.000-05:002006-10-14T12:08:25.288-05:00

Pixie and Killian, chilling out after a major play sesson. They are getting along beautifully and Killian is far less anxious with a buddy. He is still doing alot of yard escaping, even to the point of pulling out the spiral ground stake and escaping through the fence with chain and stake in tow. So, I bought off of ebay from a local seller a petsafe electric fence. He's smart, but stubborn.

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-85038937478932285162006-10-13T11:10:00.000-05:002006-10-14T12:13:08.761-05:00

Here is the first of many vacation pictures you will be subjected to. Some are yet to be developed, some are in my stepfather's cameras, but so far this is my favorite. We went on a dolphin cruise and spent 2 hours on a boat. saw several pods of dolphins, including some babies and it was really cool and relaxing. I noticed that everyone's height was distorted in this picture. my dad, sean, and

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-34103602729406460842006-10-09T20:37:00.000-05:002006-10-09T20:48:17.943-05:00

tired, as is expected. not enough days vs. time/effort to get there. that will be remedied in the future. longer trips to offset stressful packing/unpacking days and more sun and sand and salt water absorbed.went on a dolphin cruise and got to see lots of dolphins, jellies, and other fishies. also saw a small school of "baby" sharks. cool and a bit scary all at the same time.more later

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-65542885205771421382006-09-25T12:43:00.000-05:002006-09-25T13:20:56.858-05:00

That's right. 197. below 199. Freaking Awesome. 182 pounds in 15.5 months. Can't beat that with a stick! Just in the last month (well less than a month by a couple of days) I've lost 11 pounds. I didn't think you could lose that kind of weight as "far out" from my surgery date as I am now, but this proves it is possible.This weekend was a little on the busy/wild/exhausting side. Up til midnight

Hollynoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-21186803005763366082006-09-18T08:56:00.000-05:002006-09-18T09:46:50.617-05:00

i would probably be 199 this morning but we went to the fair last night. i had part of a bratwurst (salty!) and a bite of this and that and my hands were really swollen this morning. i should hit 199 by this weekend, maybe by tomorrow. we'll see.went to the oktoberfest here on post and had a good time. our friens with the triplets and 3 older girls went with us so there were 4 adults and 7

Hollynoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-21757096362642534262006-09-12T20:46:00.000-05:002006-09-12T20:48:10.589-05:00

as i just attempted to catch up on some of my blogrolling i was rudely interrupted by blogger telling me that since i had "upgraded" to beta blogger, i could now NO LONGER post to other bloggers who had yet to "upgrade"i must say this so-called upgrade has been a serious pain in my ass.so if i haven't commented, and you haven't upgraded, see above and know that I am for sure sorry.

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-26907821555027960312006-09-12T08:29:00.000-05:002006-09-12T09:39:18.573-05:00

At one point I had really expected myself to be below 200 by now. But, after the tremendous weight loss of the first year after WLS my body (and myself, i guess) decided to take a short weight loss vacation. Well, it kicked in again after starting Adderall... it surpresses my appetite and ramps up my energy/activity levels. Well, its actually speed.. so DUH.. but I'm loving it. This mix of

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-3262096342148170932006-09-10T10:52:00.000-05:002006-09-10T11:42:13.134-05:00

I stayed up late Friday night preparing for an early Saturday morning lab. Zoe came early in the morning to get in bed with me and I ended up with about 5 hours of sleep. For me, that is a bad thing that typically ends with me feeling depressed and grouchy all day. I think, also, that I made a mistake with my morning medications and that contributed.I was sad and grouchy all day. I did make 100

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-61428612749856687722006-09-06T13:13:00.000-05:002006-09-06T14:19:50.603-05:00

Didn't go to the doctor. (Fooled Ya!) But those of you that actually know me pretty well knew that was going to happen.I've adjusted my weight loss ticker. I've decided to set my goal weight at the high range of healthy BMI. Knowing I'll probably lose several pounds in the panniculectomy/breast reduction. My ideal weight fluctuates on a daily basis. Who decides? A chart? A doctor? Ultimately I

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-17213345364450736832006-09-05T09:54:00.000-05:002006-09-05T09:57:25.791-05:00

sick.going to the doctor this afternoon. sore throat, body aches, fever.living off of pretzels, muscle milk, and gatorade.more later.

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-67819320296186417942006-09-03T08:36:00.000-05:002006-09-03T08:47:28.800-05:00

we managed to survive it.between donations from my grandmother and mother, and some extra money we got this month, we were able to outfit all 3 children with new shoes, and some nice clothes for the boys. Zoe already has _plenty_ of clothes, many I have recently bought on sale. She is a little picky, she plays rought and tumble but wants to wear dressed. Our compromise is that she gets to wear

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-24834094182010457772006-09-02T07:43:00.000-05:002006-09-02T07:52:51.228-05:00

Going Labor Day shopping at the outlet mall today. Taking my life into my own hands. With my mother, grandmother, and all 3 children. I will also be taking plenty of anti-anxiety medicine, don't y'all worry. Oh, and the best part? We'll get to drive an hour before we get there. And I have to go do a biology lab this morning while my husband supervises the packing of bags.I totally took Zoe's room

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-43551842591345180732006-08-30T21:36:00.000-05:002006-08-30T21:41:45.317-05:00

i'm a tired girl. projects around the house consume me. I've almost got the first floor to an acceptable level. My kids aren't sure that they like this new version of their mom that likes to keep things straight. but, no one was embarrassed when 6 buddies showed up to play games this afternoon so i think they see the benefit of having things clean. maybe. i might be attributing too much to

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-55414547348079787512006-08-30T06:14:00.000-05:002006-08-30T06:23:18.851-05:00

I deleted the meme. too damn long.Didn't feel so hot yesterday. Just tired, nauseous, weary. I think my cleaning frenzy has worn me out. But even at 10pm last night I was sorting girly manicure stuff in a new plastic box and sweeping the trash alcove on the carport.Cleaning and organizing brings me some level of peace. A job done well. harmony withing my head when I look around. However, let me

Hollynoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-10546882077585410902006-08-28T22:29:00.000-05:002006-08-28T22:30:35.346-05:00

See? I'm working on it. if i haven't gotten to you yet and you don't want to be forgotten.... post or email and I'll blogroll you. Especially you quite ones that apparently read but don't post!

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-76850323335705050522006-08-28T13:34:00.000-05:002006-08-28T14:01:29.729-05:00

Well, my new drug cocktail seems to be doing the trick. I'm not nervous or anxious, my moods are pretty stable, and I only have occasional TRUE anger or rage. (haven't talked much about that in the past here, but I do have an anger management issue)We started talking about my history of school, attention span (can't watch tv.. i'm up at the first commercial) etc. and so he wanted to try me on

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1156424657009601232006-08-24T07:58:00.000-05:002006-08-24T08:04:17.013-05:00

I have managed to totally fuck up (accidentally) my link bar. I will put them back (thankfully I saved a list of who was there, even though I don't have all the addresses) Be patient, but you'll be back up I promise.Part of it is because I decided to upgrade (questionable) to beta blogger. we'll see. but if you saw the pretty tropical theme I had this morningyou're lucky. it was pretty. I'd like

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1156386073666850622006-08-23T20:17:00.000-05:002006-08-23T21:21:14.210-05:00

I feel like I don't have alot to post about here lately. Alot of medication adjustments with my therapist, busy with school and critters and kids and football.I'm feeling better. doctor is still adjusting medication. i add something new to the cocktail tomorrow a.m. each tweak helps... i'm hoping eventually it will stabilize and i won't be going through these adjustments all the time. but it

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1156198041235837722006-08-21T16:54:00.000-05:002006-08-21T17:07:21.266-05:00

How's that for an evil eye on a Monday morning? He is my new (gift) bumblebee cichlid.Yes, there is a limit to the number of pets I can have where I live. But my "numbers" have fluctuated rather quickly recently. I lost my female betta, moved my male betta to her tank and shut down her tank. Only to open up a new one (larger) for this gift cichlid. He is a badass and was progressively eating all

Hollynoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1156014239388008162006-08-19T13:54:00.000-05:002006-08-19T14:03:59.436-05:00

My mother and brother strolling ahead of me down one of the live oak shaded side streets of savannahPicture of Pez in her favorite spot. Anywhere my feet are, she's on them. Typical Killian.... "huh?"

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1155993963273936382006-08-19T07:30:00.000-05:002006-08-19T08:26:03.553-05:00

Today makes my 30th year on this earth. 30. Here's hoping that 30 is good to me.The peeting with pixie pez and killian went really well. she is as laid back as he is neurotic. confident where he is an utter spaz. she spent the evening curled around my feet at the computer, or laid against the couch where my son was watching tv.yes, i went ahead and brought her home. she was so very calm and

Hollynoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1155910377306980892006-08-18T08:59:00.000-05:002006-08-18T09:12:57.416-05:00

I'm going today to meet Pez. As in many things, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I find this to be as true in dogs as anywhere. To me there are few things prettier than blue merle (her gray and black patterned coat) . I have always wanted a blue merle cardigan female. always. from the first time i knew what a cardigan welsh corgi was, and then knew that color existed. somehow i came home

Hollynoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1155850161964214722006-08-17T16:23:00.000-05:002006-08-17T16:29:21.996-05:00

an unquiet mind.... far too distubring for me to deal with right now. i'm on a downswing and feeling it. the material in the book is disturbing and sad for me.having a hard time mustering the energy to do anything. i'm profoundly depressed because it looks like what i tried to make in the crockpot for dinner isn't working out well. too drippy. more soup than mushrooms potatoes and chicken. i am

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1155835266256336452006-08-17T12:03:00.000-05:002006-08-17T12:21:06.990-05:00

my "blank" day shaped up to be a busy one nonetheless. i won't bore you with the minutae but I will hit the highlight.I used about 100 zip cords (those plastic cable ties) to reinforce my chain link fence. It looks exceptionally white trash but we are approaching the 24 hour mark on no escapes from houdini dog.I spent quite a long time in the library this morning. i love the library. as much as i

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1155716507330133442006-08-16T03:14:00.000-05:002006-08-16T03:21:47.803-05:00

the eagles woke me up.or, more specifically, hotel california blasting out of the radio my son sleeps with did.my younger son sleeps with a blanket covered radio. don't get me started on fire hazards and cords and shit like that. he's 11. if he sets fire to his own head, well, i'll have to beat his ass. (just joking, maybe)at 2am the last strains of hotel california rose me from my nyquil and

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1155696817741578942006-08-15T20:54:00.000-05:002006-08-15T21:53:38.043-05:00

My new semester starts next week. Financial aid will come rolling in, bills will get paid and some of the financial stresses will be relieved. for awhile.Our rabbit, while adorable, has taken the turn towards absolutely unfriendly. she wants nothing to do with petting, cuddling, or anything to do with any of us unless we're holding food. she's not afraid, she'll aggressively head butt you and if

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1155647910140158962006-08-15T08:02:00.000-05:002006-08-15T08:18:30.340-05:00

THREE THINGS MEME!3 Things that scare me:opossums, bipolar disorder, something happening to one of my kids3 People Who Make Me Laugh:Jen, Anna, my mom3 Things I love:watching my kids play football, the color pink, coupons3. Things I Hate:people seeing the inside of my house, feeling fat, getting out of the shower and realizing i don't have a towel3 Things I Don't Understand:How I love my hsuband

Hollynoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1155562338808956562006-08-14T08:20:00.000-05:002006-08-14T08:32:19.196-05:00

As usual, life at my house has been hectic. I'm not working (for a paycheck) but I'm sure as hell busy all the time. Also trying to get the MK thing arranged and going.I was steered to a new website that is kind of cool. if you have something taking up space you offer it up to give it away, other people do the same. you take whats up, or give away what you've got, or post what you need and it

Hollynoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1154919118381708132006-08-06T21:32:00.000-05:002006-08-06T21:51:58.436-05:00

savannah was lovely.we had a great time. i'm going back again when i have more time, and more film. we didn't get a chance to do a bus tour, or make it to tybee, but we had a great time nonetheless. we walked river street several times and went to the (haunted) restaurant that my brother works at. we had our dinner bought by cute drunken college students, one of which asked my mom "are YOU in

Hollynoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1153868582005414762006-07-25T17:55:00.000-05:002006-07-25T18:03:02.060-05:00

more yard work.i have a busted knuckle and a sunburn on my nose for my trouble.however i have watered grass and a lovely edged lawn. i am tired, but tired in a good way. i've been asked lately if i go to the gym. no, not really... but i spend at least an hour a day in the yard working up a sweat and really putting effort into it. unless i come up with some sort of grand project that needs done (

Hollynoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1153618031428235312006-07-22T20:09:00.000-05:002006-07-22T20:27:11.473-05:00

Cute Cop with Albino snake Me with cool snake Sibling Rivalry. Tully (the Eclectus Parrot) is VERY jealous of the bunny (Dwarf Netherland "Alfred") He believes that they should share Alfred's hay rack.

Hollynoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1153541977711954152006-07-21T23:14:00.000-05:002006-07-21T23:19:37.740-05:00

slightly better day.i had a hard time functioning this morning, but this afternoon i got into a referreeing position with a friend and her mother trying to help each see the others' side. several hours of work and while it emotionally drained me it also energized me.i seem to be climbing back up out of the hole. as long as i am around people and doing something i'm fine. if i'm alone or bored it

Hollynoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1153407442023993572006-07-20T09:30:00.000-05:002006-07-20T09:57:23.153-05:00

i go back and see my psychiatrist in 5 days.i am overwhelmed by sadness. i feel abandoned and confused and honestly i don't know what my next step should be. quitting my job has an ethereal otherworldly feeling about it. like any minute the phone will ring and it will be bev and she'll say "where are you? you were supposed to be here at 9!" when i quit, because of health issues (i didn't specify

Hollynoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1153366515816176322006-07-19T22:28:00.000-05:002006-07-19T22:35:15.860-05:00

i am honestly pretty sedated. it seems the stuff my psychiatrist prescribed is pretty strong. not something for long term useage but i'm more relaxed now than i remember being... ever.i got alot of work done in the yard today. while i am relaxed, i'm not lazy. i've been sleeping more, but my body seems to be appreciating it. my appetite has decreased some as well. my yard is looking pretty sharp.

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1153191558944047522006-07-17T21:53:00.000-05:002006-07-17T21:59:18.980-05:00

i had an eventful weekend. just in the past 4 hours (with the help of a new clonapin prescription) have i come off of a 3 day long panic attack. my skin was crawling, my hands were shaking and the impending sense of dread had me in tears most of the weekend. the pain in my chest from grief was overwhelming. anxiety made me want to claw the skin off of my arms.i called my husband and told him i

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1153059259797152432006-07-16T08:30:00.000-05:002006-07-16T09:14:20.210-05:00

I wrote a morose and rather self involved post last night. As soon as I woke up this morning I deleted it. I am hopeful no one read it. It was a pretty huge pity party. The kind of thing I hate reading when other people post so.I didn't take my Lamictal until late last evening. I'm sure that contributed.I was honestly in a really bad way. So much so that it was personally scary. Missed doseages

Hollynoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1152758471162285752006-07-12T21:00:00.000-05:002006-07-12T21:41:11.493-05:00

Things are looking good.My psychiatrist has levelled out my doseage of Lamictal (for bipolar II disorder) I don't go back for 5-6 weeks unless I start having a problem. He (and I) seem to think this has really helped. And, honestly, it has. I don't dread leaving the house. I don't feel weighted down by depression or like i'm running in wild circles with mania. I'm just sort of an an even, but not

Hollynoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1152623319229549422006-07-11T07:48:00.000-05:002006-07-11T08:08:39.526-05:00

I started my new job at pet superstore on sunday. well, officially sunday was training but it was all day and honestly we had a good time. Then yesterday I worked in the store. I was kept hopping and busy but I enjoyed getting to know the animals. especially the reptiles. lizards, geckos, snakes, oh my!the least fun I had was cleaning out the ferret cage. Not that I don't like ferrets, but they

Hollynoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1152410836512854192006-07-08T20:55:00.000-05:002006-07-08T21:13:23.580-05:00

In these pictures I was frowning a bit.. mainly because I was squinting into the sun. Smiling, sitting next to my Mom's pond.Now, for comparison...

Hollynoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1152124708899278242006-07-05T13:22:00.001-05:002006-07-05T13:38:46.276-05:00

I was unemployed for all of 6 days.I got the call today that I will be the Canine Education Instructor for pet megastore. The pay is better than either the px or the childcare job and I am thrilled. Having worked as a veterinary assistant, a dog groomer, and having spent a few years showing Killian (the bad red cardigan corgi) I am really looking forward to working with the critters again. Oh

Hollynoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1151942048784452482006-07-03T10:39:00.000-05:002006-07-03T10:54:08.823-05:00

i cannot count the double takes, "oh my gods!" and other assorted surprised outburst and jaw drops that have occurred the past few days.Obviously, I look damnfreakingtabulous.I needed the ego stroke.But it has left me in sort of a strange place. I look fabulous (well, something like that) so.. where do i go from here? In talking to my friend Robin last night she mentioned that eventually she

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1151817352890471612006-07-01T23:01:00.000-05:002006-07-02T00:15:52.933-05:00

So, I'm on "vacation".Mom surprised me and told me yesterday that my brother was home for the weekend. That really made my day. I missed him last time he was in town (he is a college student in another state) and was really sad about it. Getting to be here this weekend is all that much better with him around. We have a blast together.Trying to get everyone and everything prepared for the trip the

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1151556207336932262006-06-28T23:39:00.000-05:002006-06-28T23:43:27.413-05:00

just one of those days.that totally fucking scrambled your existence.i woke up fairly sure my life was on a path. i knew what i was going to do today, tomorrow, friday.but, within an hour of my afternoon i discovered that the job i was waiting on the background checks for has dissolved. budget cuts, no funding, job will not be filled. i went to my boss and asked if there was any place within the

Hollynoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1151467638792950122006-06-27T22:57:00.000-05:002006-06-27T23:07:18.833-05:00

job update... i am waiting on the last 2 clearances. officially thursday is my last day at this job. i'm going to my mom's for a few days to chill and hang out and enjoy some of the summer. i've been so crazy busy that it has been very hard for me. i'll be checking in via voicemail to make sure they aren't calling me to work while i'm gone, and if they do i'll hit the road and come on back home!

Hollynoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1151097086252457012006-06-23T15:48:00.000-05:002006-06-23T16:11:26.350-05:00

well, my belly pain is not a hernia. it is most likely related to what i have been eating. i am having discomfort after meals and it seems to be because of rice/bread/pastaso, i'm going to give that, and diet mountain dew, up for a few days and see if there is an improvement. if it continues i will certainly be back beating down the door, but for now i have a game plan and something to work ona

Hollynoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1150896717296768212006-06-21T07:29:00.000-05:002006-06-22T09:20:20.340-05:00

i have become obsessive compulsive about cleaning, decorating, and my yard.i don't have the money to do what i really want to do so i'm adding "bargain hunter to the extreme" to the list as well.in the past 2 days when i should have been here with all my precious blog friends i've been wreaking havoc in my bedroom and my daughter's. curtain rods and curtains have gone up. trips to the thrift

Hollynoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1150642116088669302006-06-18T09:41:00.000-05:002006-06-18T09:48:36.123-05:00

Just a quick update from me... hoping I'll have time later to post in full.I am going to start the online university in January. Until then I'm going to finish this semester and take a full in-class load at the local college. There are some lower level requirements that I can clear these next 2 semesters that i would prefer in class time. math particularly. i have to see math done, see the

Hollynoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1150377727246599572006-06-15T08:21:00.000-05:002006-06-15T08:27:18.330-05:00

Gail, thank you for the post to my page.A year ago today I was nervous as hell in the OR cracking jokes I didn't feel to the nurses, surgical assistants and half a dozen residents. A few minutes later I was asleep and Dr. Gleysteen worked his magic on my insides.I've gone from 379 pounds to 210. A size 30/32 to an XL top and a 14/16 bottom.a size 54 DDD bra to a 38 DDMy waist has gone from 60"+

Hollynoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1150166183743788142006-06-12T20:10:00.000-05:002006-06-12T21:36:23.883-05:00

i let my boss know that i would be moving on soon. she was supportive and kind about it and i am hopeful that she will be the employment reference/verification that I need. more than anyhting i had to tell her because i suck at holding that sort of thing in. i felt nervous and nauseous every time i saw her knowing what was coming. better to get it out of the way, that is for sure.I am completing

Hollynoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1149952534912363842006-06-10T09:58:00.000-05:002006-06-10T10:22:05.906-05:00

When I eat according to what my body wants/needs/desires and not give in to the horrendous craving for chocolate which is an artificial desire brought on by sugar, which i consider to be a sort of drug... i do pretty damned well.Last Monday I weighed in at 215. Today I'm 210. Just 11 pounds away from "under 200 pounds" which I haven't been since the summer I turned 15 and I starved myself and

Hollynoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1149822755456392082006-06-08T22:05:00.000-05:002006-06-08T22:12:35.490-05:00

After my near nervous breakdown this morning things improved. Although not before they got temporarily worse. I'll skip the worse and go for the better...I got a call for a different job at Zoe's daycare center. Administrative Assistant and Receptionist. steady, stable hours. No weekends or holidays. benefits. rock on.I had to take a preadmission assessment for the online college. There were 47

Hollynoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1149774589369340862006-06-08T08:08:00.000-05:002006-06-08T08:49:49.636-05:00

Let's see... where shall I begin?I've been eating right for the past few days and I've lost a couple of pounds. It amazes me how my pouch, my tool, still works the same way it always did as long as I follow the guidelines. Water, protein, no sugar. I've even had carbs (some pasta, some bread) but only a few bites at a time and I got my protein in first. And the weight comes off. And I feel good,

Hollynoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13427486.post-1149393470466199552006-06-03T22:35:00.000-05:002006-06-04T09:09:38.503-05:00

to those who miss my witty commentary in their blog comments. my next available free second will be allotted to you. really. i mean it.more of the same. sean is in mississippi until sometime i'm not sure when. he left last week and will be gone roughly 3 weeks. which means that i'm strung even tighter than before. i've been bad about taking my meds lately and i was manic as hell today. i felt

Hollynoreply@blogger.com7