I'm on a new anti-crazy cocktail
900mg lithium
6mg klonopin
50mg remeron
400 mg lamictal
60 mg adderall

yay (sarcasm)

if it works, i will be thankful. it if does not, then i will try another, and another, until something does.

i did fine yesterday until a stressful even triggered a bout of rage which ended in me beating and empty laundry basket against the wall and screaming in rage.

fun times, hmm?

so i took the extra klonopin (doc prescribed 2, i only took 1) got my shit together, and rolled on. about half an hour later christian locked my keys in my car as i was already running a few minutes late and I wanted to sit with my goldfish a minute and center. (my fish help me center... the quiet smooth aquatic movements, the color, the sheer joy of being a fish entrances me) I had him start it and the a/c (because it is already damn hot here) and he locked my keys in by accident.

I didn't scream or throw anything. my husband was on his way home so he unlocked it and off i went.

see? 2 klonopin = me not freaking out.

the amount of klonopin i take would sedate an elephant. or at least a midsized cow. maximum suggested dosage for adults in 4mg a day. hah.

doctor says that my post traumatic stress disorder combined with the bipolar disorder give me a level of anxiety most people couldn't begin to experience. yep. believe that one.

i have a major problem with "filtering" that is, i cannot block out the excess noise/activity around me. during my hospital rotations i would be drawing blood and listening to my patient, but hearing the nurse in the hallway, the announcements over the intercom, the sounds of the machines, the durneys down the hallways, the conversations of the patients' families...

I just can't block all of it out. or any of it, it seems. and the more there is, the more anxious i become, the harder it is to filter, and it becomes an endless cycle.

i met with the ssdi (social security disability insurance) psychologist on Monday. I cried, in between being quite calm, or agitated. it wasn't a show. My guess is he was pushing buttons seeing what reaction he would get. under different stimulus from him. or, i was just unstable and looney tunes all on my own and he got to see my spectrum first hand.

he seemed interested in the fact that i was first diagnosed with something, likely borderline personality disorder, as a 12 year old and after multiple suicide attempts and many episodes of cutting I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital at 14 for 6 weeks.

actually, he seemed quite stuck on that. not sure why. it was interesting but frustrating. there are other things more important. like why i am currently unable to work because i freak out under stress. well, freak out is mild. i lose my everfuckingloving mind.

where is sean? where he always is. at work. working. on his way to work, at work, on work associated trips. he is gone today and tomorrow for a meeting somewhere (no idea where, i'm sure he told me but i can't remember) and will be back friday (i think, again, can't remember) and then this weekend he will be working all weekend.

for him, as long as i'm sane enough to be home and i'm not frothing at the mouth and hanging naked from the roof, then life just marches on. we're in the army damnit. suck it up. walk it off, drink some gatorade, you'll be 'aight

i asked him about it. i said... do you realize i am DISABLED. that i have filed for disability because i am DISABLED. that i am unable to FUNCTION normally. his reponse? well... you've been like that for so long, it's just the way you are.

that one? well.. i'll have to admit i was speechless. its just the way you are.

hmm.
makes a nice signature line doesn't it? or a plea before the court?
"its just the way i am"